Fish Tank

Was rocked to the core by the kick-ass brilliance of Andrea Arnold’s latest film. It’s a warts and all showcase of life in an Essex sink estate and the incredible sense of nihilism – born out by the main character’s ‘fuck you, fuck everything’ attitude. But although through a glass darkly, there are moments of light comic relief!

Katie Jarvis’ gutsy performance as Mia – a feral teen with serious attitude, but genuine vulnerability grabs you like a rottweiler’s teeth around the throat. Equally captivating are Rebecca Griffiths as smoking, snitching, swearing little ‘sista’, Tyler and Tennent’s, the dumb pit bull terrier.

Probably the best scene, straight out of Phoenix nights complete with costa del sunbed club owners, is Mia’s dance audition. Hastily aborted when she clocks that all the other ‘turns’ have false boobs, bleach blonde extensions and come fuck me shoes, whereas she’s strictly street dance with pram face high pony, trackie bottoms and trainers. Class, class, class!

Michael Fassbender’s portrayal as Connor is akin to Brad Pitt’s J.D in Thelma and Louise. His good looks, easy Irish charm, buff body and willingness to play dad put both Mia and her mum in a spin. At first, he seems like the only likeable character of the piece. But he’s not all he seems – leading a double life on a middle class estate but looking for a bit on the side, which he finds in Mia’s mum – a vulnerable dipso, disco, dysfunctional bitch of a mother. Then turns his ‘affections’ on Mia to disastrous effect. After a walk on the wild side, he retreats back to the safety of his middle class existence. Big mistake! As the characters unravel, Arnold shows a real insight into the fragility of teen spirit, the power of sexual attraction and the flaws in human nature.

Like Red Road, set on a grim Glaswegian housing estate, Fish Tank is a gritty take on social realism, which grabs you by the balls and then some. In three words; fucking bastard brilliant!

Baroness of the bedroom!

Have just listening with great interest and amusement to Baroness Shirley of Crosby PC Williams speaking to Jenny Murray on Radio 4. What a wise and interesting lady! Originally a Labour MP and cabinet minister and one of the "Gang of Four" rebels who founded the SDP in 1981, she's published an autobiography 'Climbing the Bookshelves' which sounds like a rollicking good read!

She talked about her appointment as an authority on porn. This involved the bedtime reading and research of hundreds of seedy porno mags with as she describes, "women with huge breasts laid out like hunks on meat in strips of underwear". Unsurprisingly, she reached the conclusion that men who regularly indulge are incapable of real relationships based on real love, commitment and understanding. She concluded that many share a common lack of respect for women and in many cases actually despise them. Unfortunately, when you look at the proliferation of online porn and no strings attached 'dating' sites, it's an easy conclusion to reach. Doesn't bode well for the longevity of relationships though, does it!

Cream for Lou

Don’t be giving me none of that
Low fat skinny milk love
Thin watery words
Without any taste or substance

Don’t be short-measuring me
With meagre portions of flattery
Measured out in tiny spoonfuls
of booze-addled affection

Don’t be trying to seduce me
With your alpha male magnetism
And steamy promises that evaporate
Into never never ever land

Don’t draw me on Fridays
Or call me or vex text me
Only creamy dollops of high cholesterol lurve
And full-fat fornication will do

Inspired by skinny love - hope you like it sweetness x

The power of protest!

Autumn's here

Now is the time of the spider
The garden a labyrinth of filigree webs
Glistening with vivid pearls of dew
Threads thrown wide from hedge to house

A tiny spider small as a bead, ensnared a bee
Three timed its size
Pulsing excitedly from a distance
Waiting for the bee to still

Then lightening fast
Bound the bee in a silky cocoon
Until it beat and buzzed no more
Wrapped in a duvet of death

Play with fire...

Get burnt! As married crusader of family values, Republican Mike Duvall found out when his explicit remarks about sexual conquests were broadcast over an open microphone. He talks in graphic detail about two women he slept with, at least one of whom appeared to be a lobbyist with business before the utilities committee on which he sat as vice chairman. Needless to say, he’s gone the way of Paddy ‘Pantsdown’, Mark Oaten and more recently Nigel Griffiths this side of the pond.

We love a good scandal and the press go into a feeding frenzy if they get the slightest whiff of sleaze. No surprise then that LA’s KTAL TV went in for the kill.

My advice, look to Shakespeare and learn Mike. In Measure for Measure, Will tackles the themes of mercy, justice, and truth, and their relationship to pride and humility: "Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall". The villain of the piece, like Mike, is a hypocrite who’s overly zealous about upholding the law, yet has a sexual weakness for nuns! When it comes to the relationship between sex and the abuse of power, Shakespeare had it tabbed!

The moral of the story: don’t set yourself up as a paragon of virtue if you’re caught spit-roasting two chicks, neither of which is your wife!

Killer heel killjoys!

Banning vertiginous shoes in the workplace could prove to be an achilles heel for the TUC. Have they factored in that women actually enjoy wearing high heels, despite ‘seven times as much pressure being exerted the ball of a foot with every step taken’. And have they considered that the vertically challenged like Nadine Dorries MP at 5’ 3’’ and me at 5’ 4’’ actually need high heels to look people in the eye. And yes, height does matter in a male dominated workplace!

Anyway what exactly is ‘inappropriate footwear’? Will we have a ‘heelometer’ with flatties, kittens, stilettos, and platforms and killers at the top? Where will all this fashionism all end? First the shoes then the skirts…don’t tell me tight skirts are a heart attack hazard for bankers with huge bonuses?

Take a hike TUC and kick up a fuss about more pressing issues like unequal pay in the workplace…or sexual harassment issues…or overly long working hours…or better working hours for parents!

He's the greatest dancer!

RIP Patrick Swayze - star of Dirty Dancing, who captured the essence of alpha male sexuality! Sadly brought down by pancreatic cancer - the silent killer. But he battled hard to fight it, writing a piece in the Washington Post titled, "I'm Battling Cancer. How About Some Help, Congress?" in which he urged senators and representatives to vote for the maximum funding for the National Institutes of Health to fight cancer as part of the economic stimulus package. He also appeared in the September 2008 live television event "Stand Up to Cancer," where he pleaded: "I keep dreaming of a future, a future with a long and healthy life, a life not lived in the shadow of cancer, but in the light. ... I dream that the word `cure' will no longer be followed by the words `is impossible.'" Patrick you shone so bright and were a demon on the dancefloor!

Greed is good?

How is it that against a backdrop of global recession, while ordinary mortals live in fear for their jobs, pay for top execs rises by over 3X the average in the private sector? And why, when their companies lost around a third of their value amid a monumental decline in the FTSE? It’s even more galling that the big rise in directors' basic pay – more than double the rate of inflation last year – came as many of their companies were stamping pay freezes on staff and starting huge redundancy programmes to slash costs.

The Institute of Directors has called for spending cuts that would hit pensioners, the poor and low-paid public sector staff. Yet the average chief executive of a blue-chip company now earns a basic salary of £791,000. And they get bonus payments, share awards and the value of perks ranging from cars and drivers to school fees and dental work – all on top.
Surely it begs the question – “what kind of society do we live in?”

In the words of Brendan Barber, general Secretary of the TUC: “We've already had the 1980s-style recession, it looks depressingly like we are going back to 1980s greed-is-good politics, too." And yet it was exactly this Gordon Gecko ‘greed is good’ mentality that sent Wall Street tumbling. Have we not learnt the lessons of the past? Do we want to send an inverse Robin Hood message to our children that’s it’s OK to rob the poor to line the coffers of the rich?

Housework sucks!

“ Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum – My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch." So said the walking corpse cosmetic surgery queen, Joan Rivers!



1.Work like a demon and go out like a diva. In fact, spend as little time in the house as possible then you won’t actually notice that it needs cleaning.

2. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

3. There may be dust in my house but there isn't any on me!

4. Housework is something you do that nobody notices until you don't do it.
And kids mess it up in the blink of an eye anyway.

5.We’re all gonna wind up as dust – so just live with it.

6. Chore rhymes with bore – enough said!

7. Get someone else to do it…blackmail the kids (works every time –
though you won’t get a quality job unless you stand over them).

8. Get a cleaner if you can find one that doesn’t spend time on your phone,
trying on your clothes, spritzing your perfume or having fag breaks every 20 mins!

9. Don’t invite people round then you won’t so feel bad about being a failed domestic goddess.

10. Put out a fatwah on Anthea Turner for that god-awful programme
The Perfect Housewife! Yeah right, like anyone really believes she does it all herself!

An unsatisfactory place to stay!

My lovely top 10 dictators

1.Kim Jong-il, one of the communist state's "Great Leaders"
Lil’ Kim has super-expensive tastes, loves a bit of ting tong and is doing wonders for the seafood industry:
• 17 palaces and collections of hundreds of cars
• 20,000 video tapes.
• Live lobsters airlifted daily to his armoured private train
• $650,000 spent a year on Hennessy VSOP cognac
• Pleasure Brigade - his entourage of young lovelies


2. Ferdinand Marcos, President of the Philippines, 1965 - 1986
Ferd was a bit of a kleptocrat who stashed the cash by the billions in overseas accounts. But wifey Imelda was even more illustrious. One helluva big spender, she had a severe addiction to Manolos:
• 1060 pairs of shoes
• 888 handbags
• $51 million Crown Building
• $61 million Herald Centre in New York
• Art by Michelangelo and Botticelli


3. Nicolae Ceausescu, President of Romania, 1967 – 1989
A big fan of social housing, Nic had tens of thousands of homes demolished to make space for his 1,100-room, 480-chandelier Palace in Bucharest. Congratulated by Salvador Dali on his excesses – how surreal!
• Used a kingly sceptre.
• Owned 15 palaces,
• Had a superb car collection, yachts, fine art and bespoke suits


4. Saparmurat Niyazov, President of Turkmenistan, 1990 - 2006
Ah Saps – AKA goldfinger! Arch narcissist and champion of Gillette. His made a £6 million revolving gold-plated statue of himself in the country's capital, Ashgabat and banned beards!
• Shifted £3 billion to overseas accounts,
• Renamed the month of January (after himself)

5. Idi Amin, President of Uganda, 1971 - 1979
The "Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea", "Emperor of Uganda" and "King of Scotland" awarded himself the VC, or Victorious Cross, and CBE, or Conqueror of the British Empire. Idi da da made a close friend of insanity and kept severed heads well beyond their sell-by date in his fridge. Least likely to say “pass me a condom!”
• Spent millions on a super-lavish lifestyle
• 30 mistresses
• 5 wives
• 43 children
• Personal bodyguard of bagpipe-playing 6ft 4in Scotsmen


6. Joseph Stalin, leader of the Soviet Union, 1922 – 1953
The "Gardener of Human Happiness" and "Brilliant Genius of Humanity" and a big supporter of Self Love courses celebrated himself with thousands of stylised statues and monuments erected across the Soviet Union. Put the 'me' into communism. Joe baby also had a taste for:
• Palaces, booze and cigars
• Travelling by armour-plated private train with a Tsarist-style entourage


7. Mohammed Reza Pahlavi, Shah of Persia, 1941 - 1979
Lovely generous Mo the Show - The "King of Kings" spent a reported $100 million on celebrations for the 2,500th anniversary of the Persian monarchy, serving breast of peacock on Limoges china to dignitaries in a 160-acre tent city at Persepolis - close to poor villages. Nice!
• Owned a fleet sports cars plus custom models made by Mercedes-Benz and Porsche for his son, the Crown Prince



8. Saddam Hussein, President of Iraq, 1979 - 2003
Old Saddam was ‘hanging’ and loved a bit of bling. He had fondness for gold-plated bathroom fittings, and Kalashnikovs. He rebuilt Babylon on kitsch rather than authentic lines, stamping each brick of the "reconstruction" with his own name in the manner of Nubachadnezzar. Playboy Son Uday, kept a private zoo with lions and cheetahs at his Baghdad residence and owned a collection of 1,200 luxury cars. Had a predisposition to bumping off relatives – by throwing them to the lions! Suppose you could call it recycling!



9. Mobutu Sese Soku, President of Zaire, 1965 – 1997
Siphoning his country's wealth into Swiss bank accounts to spend on palaces and pink champagne was old Mobu’s speciality.
His personal fortune was estimated at $5 billion in 1984 - then equivalent to Zaire's national debt. Second wife, Bobi Ladawa modelled herself on Imelda with a 1,000-dress wardrobe.
• Owned palaces and yachts
• Made shopping trips to Paris by chartered Concorde.


10. Suharto, President of Indonesia, 1967 – 1998
The former bank clerk ( no surprise there) embezzled more money than any other leader in history, according to Transparency International. In 1999, Time Asia put his family's wealth at $15 billion. Playboy son "Tommy" was the biggest-profile spender - lavishing money on cars and clothes and buying a majority stake in Lamborghini before a conviction for murder in 2002. Suharto's daughter "Tutut", meanwhile, spent $100,000 on one shopping flight to the US. Ah bless – guess she was misunderstood!

Three Card Tarot

Situation As It Is

Ten of Cups

Briefly: This card symbolises great happiness and contentment.

Full Meaning: This card shows a cup, held in a man’s hand, and joined by a woman’s hand, as they appear to be about to sip together from the liquid in the cup, as if sharing in a celebration of some wonderful event. There is a rainbow in the background and several tall, green trees, some shrubs, beside a river and with mountains in the far distance. The sky is blue and the day looks warm as in Springtime. There are 9 cups across the sky in front of the rainbow. This card symbolises great happiness and contentment. Two people are brought together in unison and peace to share a special time in their lives. A joint project has obviously reached fruition and they are proud of their achievements and wish to celebrate in grand style. If you draw this card you may rest assured, that even though it took a long time to get where you are, it has all been worth the effort and the energy expended. You can relax in your new found comfort zone and pursue your other objectives with peace of mind, knowing that your life is now more secure than it has ever been.


Course of Action to be Taken

The High Priestess

Briefly: Mystical studies may also appeal to you at this time, and you could take up the study of subjects such as astrology, tarot or other esoteric knowledge. Incredible gifts await for you. All you have to do is acknowledge that within lies all knowledge. This is a card of wisdom and intelligence.

Full Meaning: This powerful major arcana has incredible gifts for you. All you have to do is acknowledge that within lies all knowledge. This is a card of wisdom and intelligence. It is also an indication of mystical effects and understanding.
This woman can achieve anything she wants. She is studious and persevering. She is enchanting, deep, mysterious and has a unique talent for understanding people and their motives. She is psychic and gifted in many areas of natural law. She knows when to make decisions, when to act and set plans in motion and how to be in complete control of her own destiny. She is a leader, not a follower. She has charm, grace and poise. She is gifted with extra-ordinary understanding, compassion and has humanitarian instincts. She has high ideals and aspires to achieve her planned goals. She is an excellent communicator and listener. She knows when to be quiet. She understands the correct timing on when to plant seeds that will ultimately prosper. She is particularly cool, calm and collected. She is logical and rational and fair. She has a strong sense of justice. The initials B and J may be, or prove to be important in your life. These can represent the initials of people, places and businesses. They are signposts to people and places which will become of profound significance to you.

You could be considering doing some type of studies when you draw this card. Other than that, a teacher, possibly female, may come into your life and have an enormous impact on you. She could teach you valuable lessons that you need to learn.
Should you be considering becoming a teacher yourself, this would be a good indicator that you are on the right track and will achieve success in your chosen field. Mystical studies may also appeal to you at this time, and you could take up the study of subjects such as astrology, tarot or other esoteric knowledge.


New Situation that Will Evolve

Seven of Swords

Briefly: A home move.

Full Meaning: Quite often this card signifies a home move. There is a restlessness that gives the feeling of wanting to move on. If it is not a house move, it could be a new relationship, or one that is a significant relationship, such as your first one, or it has been a long time between relationships, or one that proves important in the long run, such as one leading to marriage. However a small word of caution, find out all you can about this new person, for there could be something secretive about him/her. This can also mean a significant happening or event at night, having to rush off somewhere, to someone's aid perhaps, someone in hospital and/or a time to make quick decisions and act in a hurry, or alternatively you may act in haste during the night. This card has also been known to indicate a robbery. It could be a thief in your home, or any other place where you keep valuables, such as a car or an office. Overall, your life now has the potential to alter in some significant way. You could cut ties with your past, your family or friends and go off on your own path. These changes may be irrevocable and can close the door on your old life to make way for a total transition into a new way of living. Just be sure this is exactly what you want to do. You need to be firm and strong in your decision making now and in the near future.

Thunder Thighs!

Amazingly, there's now a correlation between slim pins and heart disease. A Danish study has established a link between premature death in men and women whose thighs are less than 60cm in circumference. Research published in the British Medical Journal (BMJ) by Professor Berit Heitmann of Copenhagen university hospital involved almost 3,000 men and women.

Think my thighs probably register on the cardiac arrest risk scale and I'm all for being healthy, but sorry I'm not about to hit the burgers and chips to beef up my thighs. Not that I'd wear teensy weensy shorts like Britney, but thunder thighs are just so damn ugly.

The Black Keys

The power of spotify!

The Black Keys – Same Old Thing: http://open.spotify.com/track/4NtAYaFYtwLH4KPjX9ON6fThe Black Keys – Have Love Will Travel: http://open.spotify.com/track/148m5TJHSIlJZiXPe1dufaThe Black Keys – Have Love Will Travel: